A Tale of Two Todds

Champagne Comedy, Plan B (339 E 10th St), 8:00PM
Hosts: Livia Scott and Dave Engel
Christian Finnigan
Biz Ellis (with her mother)
Becky Donahue
Livia Scott with Marylouise Burke
Todd Hanson
Seth Herzog
God's Pottery

So I overuse the "Tale of Two..." headline, so what. Blame Charlie Dickens for creating such a catchy title. Hate the player, is what I think I'm trying to say. Regardless of my literary crutches, I met two dudes named Todd tonight, two very funny dudes. The first was Todd Levin, stand-up comic, writer, and purveyor of Tremble which I always remember to read when I remember to. Check it out for yourself - Todd's writing is some of the funniest/smartest I've ever read. I've considered him my personal Jewish-American Idol ever since I saw his set on an episode of Comedy Central's Premium Blend last fall. All it took was one joke to make me an instant fan - "I was in Germany recently, because I had a score to settle." BOOM! A short, simple, instant classic. Here was the embodiment of smart jewish humor, in the vein of Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, and Larry David. The paranoid suspicion of anti-semitism, the undercurrent of guilt and shame, the beard! I immediately Googled "Todd Levin" and found his blog and published works. He has been an inspiration to my Denmark blogging and my current writing projects. So you can imagine my excitement and when I recognized him coming out of a corner eatery on 9th and 1st on the way to the show. "Todd Levin?" I asked with a finger pointed at him, so that he knew it was his identity I was questioning. It was him! I introduced myself and I tried to explain how big a fan I was, but only managed to get across how big of an awkward idiot I am when I meet people on the street. I stuttered through the name of his blog (Treble? Noooo!) and acted otherwise uncool. Thankfully, Todd was really nice in the face of my conversational incompetence and told me to contact him through MySpace.

So I added Todd Levin as a friend when I got home, and I've never been happier.

My second encounter of the Todd kind came at the show. Livia Scott and Dave Engel host Champagne Comedy at various times at various venues, and tonight's lineup featured my comedy friend Baron Vaughn! I was looking forward to seeing him perform following his appearance at the US Comedy Arts Festival (he was there in Aspen back in March, but I've been in Denmark, remember). Sadly, when Marc and I got to the show, there was no Baron to be seen. I found out later he was home sick with the one-day stomach bug. Oh well, the lineup was strong and full of comedians I had yet to see live, and most exciting was the opportunity to reintroduce myself to Todd Hanson, Head Writer of The Onion. I had previously met Todd over winter break during my first foray into the alternative comedy scene at Mo Pitkin's where Eugene Mirman guest-hosted for Jon Benjamin at the Midnight Pajama Jam. But Todd Hanson is a busy man, too busy to remember some snot-nosed kid who handed him a homemade business card way back when. Therefore I had prepared a professional proposal this time - a list of Onion headlines to give to Mr. Hanson, having heard on good authority (Marc) that outside submissions are considered on a headline-basis only. I came up with 14 solid headlines on the train ride into the city, incorporating some ideas I had kicking around for a while and some made up right on the spot. Improv, people!

The show was very enjoyable and perhaps definitive of the alternative New York comedy scene. Christian Finnegan kicked off the show with a hilarious, matrimonial set that touched on his impending marriage and his soon-to-be inmate inlaw, as well as a suggestion to include a wedding scene at the end of every porno to appease wives/girlfriends. Biz Ellis of the sketch comedy troupe MEAT read from her high school diary and brought her mother onstage to read a favorite children's story. Becky Donahue followed with a raunchy set that featured a send-up of her immigrant mother. Livia Scott and Marylouise Burke (Sideways) gave dramatic readings of actual letters to Cat Fancy magazine, that only reaffirmed what I had already believed to be true about Cat Fancy subscribers - they're crazy about their cats! And also plain crazy. Todd Hanson offered an ultra-ironic political piece entitled "Know Your Rights" which satirized the current administration, the current American populace, and democracy itself! It was pretty clever, if you ask me. Seth Herzog told some ridiculous stories that stemmed from miscommunication and later invited his mother to admit to sucking cock. Yeah, that seemed to be the common theme of the evening - all our mothers sucked cock at some point, and some still might. God's Pottery closed the show with their clever brand of Christian folk rock. What did I tell ya? ALTERNATIVE!

Following the show, I planned to give Todd Hanson my list of headlines. Seeing how Marc had an "in" to the conversation (he was a summer intern at The Onion four years ago), I asked him to be the initiator. But we never had a chance to make our moves - Mr. Hanson was too preoccupied with drinking and hitting on women to be bothered . Rats to merrymaking and the heterosexual male's insatiable appetite for poon! That was supposed to be my big break! Todd Hanson was supposed to read my headlines, chuckle out loud to himself rather heartily, look up at me and say, "Son, you've got what it takes!" Then he would usher to me The Onionmobile waiting outside and whisk me away to the secret underground lair where Rollerball Pens are at my every disposal. I would meet the staff and we'd hit if off beautifully, and I'd get right down to writing. And I'd write and write and write, and at the semi-annual banquet I'd hoist the great flagon of chuckles and toast to the smartest satire in the world!

Nope.

Nonetheless, I've decided to publish my headlines here (copyright me, 2006) as a testament to missed opportunities. At this point, my intellectual property is all I've got left. Goddamn bank took the farm, goddamn wife took the car, goddamn Tijuana hooker took the virginity...

HAMAS LEADER REFUSES TO RECOGNIZE KID HE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH

HOPKINS LACROSSE TEAM REGRETS NOT RAPING STRIPPER

METAPHORICAL BUSH TAKEN OFF LIFE SUPPORT

KILLER BEE FLU NOT FOOLING ANYONE

PLAYFUL, ALLITERATIVE HEADLINE REVEALS PAINFUL, UNPOETIC NEWS

HS BASKETBALL PHENOM ESCHEWS NBA DRAFT FOR FACEBOOK

THREE-MONTH SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING AFIKOMEN

COLLEGE REPUBLICAN STUDYING ABROAD BASHES BUSH TO GET LAID

DANISH CARTOONISTS RESUME MAKING FUN OF BLACK PEOPLE

MIDDLE-AGED WHITE MAN SHAKES HEAD DISAPPORVINGLY

SEXY, YOUNG PHILLIES SET TO CAPTURE NATIONAL LEAGUE PAGEANT

SPEED CARBON DATING YIELDS FLAWED DATA, NO SECOND DATES

DEADHEAD STICKER FINALLY REMOVED FROM CADILLAC

FAILED OMELETTE BECOMES SCRAMBLED EGGS