With Bated Breath...

I'm waiting for the 6:17 train that gets me into Grand Central around 7:00. Then I will take the 4,5, or 6 train down to Union Square from where I will travel on foot to Rififi, where tonight I make my on stage debut! HOLY NAPHTALENE MOTHBALLS! This is very exciting. Thanks to Carol and DrinkAtWork.com for getting me booked. I'll let you all know how it goes...

It just occurred to me...

The way Bill Hicks felt about dick jokes, that's the way I feel about Tom Cruise jokes. We get it, he's weird.

The Dukes of Occupational Hazards

Today I attended the memorial service for an elderly cousin who passed last week. I went by myself, mostly to stand in for my parents who are in the middle of a European vacation. At the chapel I was directed to the elevator by an elevator operator who rode with me to the top floor. Not one for awkward silences, I decided to engage the man in awkward conversation as we slowly elevated.

Me: “Must be a depressing job, huh? Working at a funeral home...”
Guy Elevator: “No! It’s great!”
Me: “Great? But you’re surrounded by death all day! How can that be great?”
Guy Elevator: “Well it really gives you a different prespective on life. Makes you value the time you have, to live life to the fullest.”

And then the elevator doors opened, and he said, “Watch your step” as I exited.

While I sat through the memorial service, half-listening to the bizarre eulogy given by the deceased's estranged only son, I couldn’t help but think about the elevator operator and his “different” perspective on life. You'd think after maybe a week of the morbid work environment, his newly realized carpe diem approach to life would encourage him to quit the elevator jockeying and go climb a mountain, or enter a hot dog eating contest, or at the very least, enter a grilled cheese eating contest. But no - he's just going to ride that elevator. I don't know he is making every moment count when his every moment is devoted to counting the floors as he goes up and down, but I can only assume that when he ushers his passengers to the appropriate chapel with a deft push of the elevator button, he is pushing those buttons to the fullest.

And what about that bizarre eulogy? To quote: "I'm jealous of Catholics, because they go to paradise when they die. And I'm jealous of those Al-Qaeda guys, because if I knew I had 50 virgins waiting for me, I'd strap on one of those belts myself."

Because there is no better way to eulogize your mother than with a personal endorsement of Islamic terrorism!

The Snapple Lady + JD Salinger = UCB in Central Park

UCB Theatre in the Park, Central Park SummerStage, 7:30PM
Hosts: Rob Heubel and Paul Scheer
Sean Conroy
Rebecca Drysdale
Jon Glaser
Jackie Clarke
(The Snapple Lady)
Aziz Ansari
Kristen Schaal
Todd Barry
(JD Salinger)
The Titte Brothers

Surprise! Surprise!

Sunday Soiree, Botanica Bar (47 E Houston St), 8:00PM
Host: Josh Filipowski
Sasha Guillaume
Matt Little
Leighann Lord
Ricardo Aleman
Scott Rogowsky
Dan Curry
Eliza Faria-Santos

An Ex-Girlfriend Ex-Travaganza

It must've been the Ex Body Spray.

They Love Me, They Really Love Me

Like2Laugh's Rising Stars of Comedy, New York Comedy Club (241 E 24th St), 8:00PM
Host: JL Cauvin
Matty Goldberg
Neil Charles
Roger Hailes
Josh Filipowski
Scott Rogowsky
John Mulaney
Brett Anderson

Gimme a Commercial Break

As I'm gearing up for my big show tomorrow night (big show, big show), I've been watching a lot of TV. But only for the commercials. My friend Baron is in a new Coke Zero commercial, and I really want to see it. So I keep switching the channels, looking for commercial breaks. Haven't seen Baron's spot yet, but I do have the overwhelming urge to try the new KFC Bowl.

Luckily, The Apiary found the commercial on Coca-Cola's website. Check it out, he's the black guy.

Oh, and I have a big show tomorrow. Please come if you can.