It just occurred to me...

The way Bill Hicks felt about dick jokes, that's the way I feel about Tom Cruise jokes. We get it, he's weird.

The Dukes of Occupational Hazards

Today I attended the memorial service for an elderly cousin who passed last week. I went by myself, mostly to stand in for my parents who are in the middle of a European vacation. At the chapel I was directed to the elevator by an elevator operator who rode with me to the top floor. Not one for awkward silences, I decided to engage the man in awkward conversation as we slowly elevated.

Me: “Must be a depressing job, huh? Working at a funeral home...”
Guy Elevator: “No! It’s great!”
Me: “Great? But you’re surrounded by death all day! How can that be great?”
Guy Elevator: “Well it really gives you a different prespective on life. Makes you value the time you have, to live life to the fullest.”

And then the elevator doors opened, and he said, “Watch your step” as I exited.

While I sat through the memorial service, half-listening to the bizarre eulogy given by the deceased's estranged only son, I couldn’t help but think about the elevator operator and his “different” perspective on life. You'd think after maybe a week of the morbid work environment, his newly realized carpe diem approach to life would encourage him to quit the elevator jockeying and go climb a mountain, or enter a hot dog eating contest, or at the very least, enter a grilled cheese eating contest. But no - he's just going to ride that elevator. I don't know he is making every moment count when his every moment is devoted to counting the floors as he goes up and down, but I can only assume that when he ushers his passengers to the appropriate chapel with a deft push of the elevator button, he is pushing those buttons to the fullest.

And what about that bizarre eulogy? To quote: "I'm jealous of Catholics, because they go to paradise when they die. And I'm jealous of those Al-Qaeda guys, because if I knew I had 50 virgins waiting for me, I'd strap on one of those belts myself."

Because there is no better way to eulogize your mother than with a personal endorsement of Islamic terrorism!

The Snapple Lady + JD Salinger = UCB in Central Park

UCB Theatre in the Park, Central Park SummerStage, 7:30PM
Hosts: Rob Heubel and Paul Scheer
Sean Conroy
Rebecca Drysdale
Jon Glaser
Jackie Clarke
(The Snapple Lady)
Aziz Ansari
Kristen Schaal
Todd Barry
(JD Salinger)
The Titte Brothers

Surprise! Surprise!

Sunday Soiree, Botanica Bar (47 E Houston St), 8:00PM
Host: Josh Filipowski
Sasha Guillaume
Matt Little
Leighann Lord
Ricardo Aleman
Scott Rogowsky
Dan Curry
Eliza Faria-Santos

An Ex-Girlfriend Ex-Travaganza

It must've been the Ex Body Spray.

They Love Me, They Really Love Me

Like2Laugh's Rising Stars of Comedy, New York Comedy Club (241 E 24th St), 8:00PM
Host: JL Cauvin
Matty Goldberg
Neil Charles
Roger Hailes
Josh Filipowski
Scott Rogowsky
John Mulaney
Brett Anderson

Gimme a Commercial Break

As I'm gearing up for my big show tomorrow night (big show, big show), I've been watching a lot of TV. But only for the commercials. My friend Baron is in a new Coke Zero commercial, and I really want to see it. So I keep switching the channels, looking for commercial breaks. Haven't seen Baron's spot yet, but I do have the overwhelming urge to try the new KFC Bowl.

Luckily, The Apiary found the commercial on Coca-Cola's website. Check it out, he's the black guy.

Oh, and I have a big show tomorrow. Please come if you can.

A Little Dob'll Do Ya

You Do the Voodoo, Otto's Shrunken Head (538 E 14th St), 6:00PM
Hosts: Scott Rogowsky, Neil Charles
Danny Yarborough
Vinny Fallon
Andrew Wright
Neil Charles
Mike Dobbins

Comedy is for Humans, Mundial (505 E 12th St), 8:00PM
Hosts: Joshua Grosvent and Baron Vaughn
Jiwon Li
Victor Varnado
John F. O'Donnell
Gab Bonesso
Todd Levin

Actual or Imagined New York Post Headlines in Reference to New York Mets' Third Baseman David Wright

MR. WRIGHT
THE WRIGHT STUFF
IT'S ALL WRIGHT NOW
WRIGHT OFF THE BAT
ALL THE WRIGHT MOVES
WRIGHT ABOUT NOW
WRIGHT PLACE, WRIGHT TIME
THE WRIGHT TRACK
BILL OF WRIGHTS
WRIGHT AS RAIN
ON THE WRIGHT FOOT
TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A WRIGHT
WRIGHT IT OFF
THE CHRISTIAN WRIGHT
THE WRIGHTING ON THE WALL
HANG A WRIGHT
BE WRIGHT BACK
SERVES THEM WRIGHT
CIVIL WRIGHTS ACT OF 1964
WRIGHT-IN CANDIDATE
GO UP TWO BLOCKS AND TAKE A WRIGHT
SOMETHING TO WRIGHT HOME ABOUT
A VAST WRIGHT WING CONSPIRACY
THE LEFT HAND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE WRIGHT HAND IS DOING
WRIGHT TO LIFE
WRIGHT ON!

MY CLUB DEBUT!!!

I've got the biggest show of my young career coming up this Friday, July 14 at the New York Comedy Club (24th Street between 2nd and 3rd Aves). Josh put this show together with some of the HOTTEST, WETTEST, and WILDEST young comics in the city!

The lineup:
MC JL Cauvin
Roger Hailes
Neil Charles
Eric Andre
Josh Filipowski
Scott Rogowsky
John Mulaney

Most of them have their own personal websites!

If you're in the New York metro area this Bastille Day, and you have little else to do between the hours of 8:30PM and 10:00PM, may I suggest you come to the show? I guarantee buckets of laughs and few, if any, commemorations of the French Revolution.

E-mail info@like2laugh.com before day of show to reserve tickets at a reduced price ($7 instead of $10). Check Like2Laugh for more info and directions and New York Comedy Club for a very outdated website with nothing to offer in the way of relevant information.

An Okay Place for Comedy

The Drink At Work Show, Ace of Clubs (9 Great Jones St), 8:00PM
Host: Carol Hartsell
Musical Guest; Tim Fite
Creationist Bond Villain Sketch (Carol, Sean Crespo, Francesco Marciuliano)
Brooke Van Poppelen
Tom McCaffery
Remi Frazier (The Million Dollar Destiny)
Dan Curry
Sean Crespo/Francesco Marciuliano
Dan Pirarro
Nick Stevens
Eric Andre
Sean Crespo

There had been a lot of e-chatter about The Drink At Work Show at Ace of Clubs tonight - MySpace bulletins, event invitations, e-mails from Nigerian princes telling me about a potential windfall for alternative comics - so I decided to head down there and check out the hub-bub.

The line-up looked promising with some old friends (John Mulaney, Brooke Van Poppelen) and some dudes I had never seen live (Tom McCaffrey, Eric Andre). Plus I wanted to say hello to Carol and Maryanne and further ingratiate myself to them for their booking me at Rififi on August 1. Hells yes!

I turned the corner on Great Jones Street, and who do I see chatting away on his cell phone but fellow black man Baron Vaughn. This show turned out to be a mini "comic clambake," to borrow a phrase Baron himself used to describe Eating It when he did a spot there in June. Jack Kukoda, Sven Wechsler, Benari Poulten, John F. O'Donnell, Dan Allen, Mike Burns, and Jay Bois were all hanging out at the air conditioned Ace of Clubs, a spacious basement performance space under the Louisiana-styled ACME Bar and Grill. I was going to sample a catfish po' boy at the cajun eatery, but Baron didn't think it would be appropriate. He didn't even think it was appropriate for me to say, "I think I'll try the catfish po' boy." So much for the strides we've made as a people.

How Inconvenient! How original of a title!

Saw "An Inconvenient Truth" last night, a good six weeks after its nationwide release (I like to watch my movies in empty theaters). There weren't many aspects of Al Gore's presentation that truly shocked me, since I was already plenty familiar with our planet's expedited path towards certain doom, but because I derive a perverse joy from being continuously hit over the head with the horrifying truth about global warming, I really got a kick out of this one. And that computer-generated polar bear hopelessly searching for an iceberg was icing on the cake. Did you see the look on his poor little face? All in all, it was like paying $10 to revisit a lecture from my freshman year seminar "The Planet Earth," but then again, $10 is a deal when you consider the price of Hopkins tuition.

According to box office receipts, the movie made a good chunk of change, but I still think it would have drawn better If it were called Scary Movie 5: Revenge of the Sith and starred the Wayans Brothers in Caucasian drag. I just hope enough people see the movie and become inspired to reduce carbon dioxide emissions in their own way, either by shunning private automobile use in favor of public transportation or simply by breathing less.

------

Mike's 21st birthday was pretty unremarkable -- a whole lotta binge drinking, binge puking, and binge sitting around and looking bored. But I did meet a very cool girl (let's call her Baby Jessica to protect the innocent and offend the citizens of Midland, Texas), and if it all works out, I hope to drag her into a disappointing relationship that may last just long enough for me to get a few decent jokes out of it. I'm thin on relationship material.

Funny thing though - this girl has a reputation for being attracted to black men that precedes her and set the foundation for perhaps the greatest Rogowsky-related soundbyte in the history of our humble Polish clan. Baby Jessica and I had been chatting here and there over the course of the evening, but I had yet to make any significant "move" (namely, dropping trou and saying, "Come an' git"). As I huddled in the corner contemplating my strategy, who walks in but two very tall and very muscular black men. Before I had time to feel completely sexually impotent and psychologically intimidated, she was getting their phone numbers and agreeing to follow them to the next party.

A little later on, she asks her friend, "Should I go with the black guys, or Scott?"

Should I go with the black guys, or Scott?

Never have I ever imagined myself on this set of scales - on the one side, a gangly, stubbled, poorly-postured Jew in an ill-fitting vintage plaid shirt; on the other, two brawny, well-groomed black men with confident swaggers and a very positive stereotype working in their favor. Was the jury really still out on this one?

Inexplicably, she went with me. I suggested that she might have made a mistake, that black guys usually throw much better parties (I watch BET, I know these things). But she was content to settle in with me for the night, and I was happy to satisfy her Hebraic desires.

Jonesin' for Some Beach

Took a respite from the rigors of standing up and telling jokes to sit down and listen to music. Drove out to Jones Beach with Marc and two of his buddies to see half of Phish and one-fifth of the original Grateful Dead. Trey Anastasio and Mike Gordon played a 90 minute set with Marc Benevento (keyboards) and Joe Russo (drums), and Phil Lesh followed with two sets, playing with Rob Barraco (keyboards/vocals), John Molo (drums), Larry Campbell (guitar/mandolin/fiddle), and the surprisingly soulful Joan Osborne (vocals). Trey sat in for the entire second set.

Great to see Trey and Mike playing together, and The Duo rocked pretty damn hard as veritable equals for Page and Fishman (although no Phish tunes were played, not a one). Hadn't seen Phil and Friends since 11/30/01 (my first concert), and they put on a helluva show. Joan Osborne impressed with beautiful renditions of Reuben & Cherise, Sugaree, and Stella Blue.

Heading up to Boston for Berkey's 21st birthday bash, and possibly seeing Phil and Trey again on Sunday at Bethel Woods. If you get confused, just listen to the music play.

Jones Beach Theater, Wantagh, NY

Trey, Mike, and The Duo
Plasma
Suskind Hotel
Drifting
Something For Rockets
Mr. Completely >
Host Across The Potomac
Mud City
Trouble
Uncle Albert (Paul McCartney & Wings) >
Stuck In The Middle (Stealers Wheel)>
Dragonfly
Shine

Phil and Friends
Set 1:
Playing in the Band >
China Cat Sunflower
Let it Ride
Reuben & Cherise
Big River
Sugaree

Set 2:
Scarlet Begonias >
Fire on the Mountain >
Space >
Dark Star >
Space >
Feedback >
The Other One >
Stella Blue >
Not Fade Away

Encore:
U. S. Blues

Double Duty

You Do the Voodoo, Otto's Shrunken Head (538 E 14th St), 6:00PM
Host: Scott Rogowsky
Helen Hong
Vinny Fallon
Ruhbin Mehta
Rhodes Pierre
Eric DaSilva
Raquel D'Apice

Voodoo Luau, Otto's Shrunken Head (538 E 14th St), 7:30PM
Host: Neil Charles
Raquel D'Apice
Charles Star
Joshua Grosvent
Andrew Wright
Heather Fink
Roberta Rockwell
Nick Turner
Scott Rogowsky
Dustin D'Adatto
Dan Goodman
Chris Laker
Gary Fudd

Independent Women Day

Spent the Fourth at home with my mom and sister. Instead of fireworks, we watched The Devil Wears Prada. No better way to celebrate the birth of our nation than with a film that showcases high-powered women in the workplace. It's just what our founders envisioned.

No Laughs Till Brooklyn

Ed Sullivan On Acid, Freddy's Backroom (485 Dean St, Brooklyn), 9:00PM
Host: Pat O'Shea
Nick Turner
Scott Rogowsky
Elon James White

Before I could make my Brooklyn debut tonight at Pat O'Shea's Ed Sullivan on Acid, I had to first figure out how to get into Brooklyn. As a Westchester kid, I've had little reason to ever venture outside of Manhattan when making excursions to the city. Baseball has been the only draw to ever enter the other boroughs: Yankees in the Bronx, Mets in Queens, Staten Island Yankees in... Staten Island. Brooklyn has the Cyclones, the Mets Short-Season A minor league affiliate located right in Coney Island. I happened to be at the game Saturday night to see an old college teammate, Paul Winterling, start in right field for the visiting Aberdeen Ironbirds. But before that, the only other time I had ventured into Brooklyn was on a sociological field study to Williamsburg where I traded vintage t-shirts at Beacon's Closet and reveled in an astonishing abundance of ironic moustaches.

Thankfully, finding Freddy's Backroom on Dean Street was not as difficult as imagined. I caught the 7:23 Metro-North into Grand Central and picked up the 5 train which I rode well past my usual get off, Union Square. I reached the Atlantic Ave station stop at about 8:40 and asked for directions east on Flatbush. After some walking, I found it. I met Pat in the backroom, helped myself to a free drink, and waited.

And waited and waited. Nick Turner showed up, and I introduced myself. We had a nice chat about our brief "careers" (he's been doing standup for about 5 years) and he told me a horror story about his last gig at Comma D's. Elon James White showed up a little after. Paul Goncalves, a comedian and friend of Pat's, was also in the backroom, and that was it. No audience. The show was scheduled to start at 9PM. It was getting close to 10 when Pat started talking about a cancellation, but added that he had only had to cancel twice in three years of doing this show, and if he did cancel he would reschedule us. At 9:50, Pat managed to scrounge together a couple of folks at the bar to come in for the show. With six people in the crowd, including Paul and Peter Ego (another comedian who told me after the show he'll be coming the Otto's open mic), Pat got the ball rolling. Of course, I didn't mind the sparse crowd. I told Pat I'd do the show for just the comics, treat it like an audition for a Tonight Show spot. A Tonight Show on acid.

I went on second and did pretty well. Coming off of last night’s great set at Botanica, I was confident with my approach, and the jokes hit pretty well. King Midas probably got the most laughs, pretty much solidifying it as one of my best new jokes (only the second time performed), as did the line, “And that's when I realized, a lot of people think they’re going to be hanging out with their favorite celebrities in heaven.” My set was baseball heavy because Pat’s a big fan, but the small, international crowd (one woman was Swiss) may not have identified with the Edgar Martinez or Darryl Strawberry references. I mixed in some new, crowd-tested jokes and brought back some oldies (Calendars and Friends w/Benefits), and the result was a solid seven minutes. I decided to end on a slightly vulgar note, “…and when she comes home I fuck her,” only because the laughs on “I consider that a benefit” weren’t all that strong. That’s a tricky joke because sometimes the biggest laughs come after “benefit,” like at my January Botanica show, but sometimes the “fuck her” tag kills (like at my first show at Hopkins, when it brought down the house). I guess it depends on the crowd – the more sophisticated crowd can appreciate the humor in the bagels, the lone drinker on a Monday night needs the “fuck.”

Elon James White closed the abbreviated show with a very funny, mostly autobiographical set, and what an autobiography. The only son of a tough single mother growing up in gangsta-fied Bed-Stuy, he rebelled against his environment to essentially become its exact opposite – the suburban white kid. But not too many suburban white kids get shot in the face and lose an eye, so maybe Elon is gangsta after all. He reminded me of JL Cauvin - the kind of material, the delivery, and even some of the facial expressions.

Val Kappa was also on the bill for tonight, but she never made it.

After the show, I got a “Good job” from Paul and an offer to get booked on his show. Nick also runs a show with Dustin D'Addato - Poker Night (formerly at Ace of Clubs, now at Jimmy’s) - and he invited me to check it out, which I certainly will.

I really enjoyed my time at Freddy’s. Pat is a great host; a really smart dude who compared Williamsburg to the movie Logan’s Run (“No one is over 30”) and proposed that Yankees-Red Sox games be dubbed “The Fung Wah Series,” to keep with the transportation-themed moniker for Yankees-Mets match-ups. He also delivered a brilliantly obscure joke about the Argentina/Germany World Cup match: “That was an interesting game, because the winner advanced to the semi-finals, and the loser got to keep Hitler’s brain.” One had to have knowledge of the rumor that Hitler escaped to Argentina to understand that nugget. Pat might have been the only one.

Actually Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky

I received an e-mail today from James Bryan, Executive Fellow at Alpha Epsilon Pi National ("The Jewish Fraternity"), confirming my apperance at the AEPi National Convention to be held in Louisville, KY on August 10. Before the poker tournament, in the same room, I will be doing 20 to 30 minutes for 100 to 200 brothers. That's alotta minutes, and alotta Jews.

I sent a reply e-mail thanking James for the opportunity and asking about any censorship of my act, with regards to language or subject matter. The response:

I talked to andy... he said all is ok within reason... Two places to
keep away from: Handicapped and Gay ppl.
I look forward to hearing what you have.
James

So I've already begun preparing. Figure I'll do 5 minutes on the handicapped, 5 minutes on the gays, and the rest on the handicapped gays.

So this faggot in a wheelchair walks into a bar...

Take Your Parents to Work Day

Sunday Soirée, Botanica Bar (47 E Houston St), 8:00PM
Host: Neil Charles
Sasha Guillaume
Joe Powers
Sean Crespo
Brooke Van Poppelen
Scott Rogowsky
Mike Cotayo
Paul Olsen
Dan Goodman

I'm Movin' Back

The social experiment that was living in NYU housing is over. The results are in from my first three weeks at the Third North residence hall, and they're not, uh, they're not... they're not good. They stink.

To put it mildly, living in NYU dorms has been an unmitigated disaster.

Sure, the room is small - about half the size of my freshman year dorm - but I can suffer limited space gladly. So I was sharing the room with Jeff, and occasionally his girlfriend, ok. That didn't bother me as much as the fact that I was waking up with Jeff's alarm at 7:00AM daily and going to bed with Jeff's premature lights out. But the worst aspect of living at NYU was dealing with the other kids living at NYU. My Big State hallmates managed to turn the floor into the brotherhood den of the Delta Delta Douchebag fraternity. But while most fraternal organizations would strive to develop ethical leaders based on the core principals of truth, honor, and integrity, these guys turned the common room into a poorly-maintained beer pong arena and let half empty Cup-a-Soups pile up in the sink. The only time I would interact with them was when I had to ask for their shitty music to be turned down, and by Gad was it shitty. Techno, for crying out loud. Techno at 9 AM on a Saturday morning. Lord 'a mussy!

An anecdote to illustrate the sterling caliber of my cohabitants: One day, just as I was about to enter the friendly confines of my corner room (I had the key in the door!), a hallmate who was waiting for the elevator verbally accosted me. "Not to be gay or anything," he starts. Oh, great. "But do these shoes match my shirt?" C'mon man, do you honestly believe it's gay to shoot for a coordinated outfit? I had to explain to him, "Wanting to look good doesn't make you gay... wanting a dick in your ass makes you gay!" And he just lost it. He thought that was just about the funniest thing he had ever heard. That hackiest of jokes, he found hilarious. Goes to show the kind of shmucks that flood into NYU dorms for the summer months. The kind of shmucks who would say, "Did you see Tourgasm last night? Fuckin' hilarious, man!"

There were also the swarms of flies in the kitchen and mildew-saturated shower curtains. Gross.

So it's back to Bardion Lane in sleepy suburbia for me. But sleep on my own schedule is something I'm looking forward to, actually. Sleep when I want to sleep, independent of a roommate's early bedtime and uninterrupted by the clock radio banshee. The sweet surrender of sleep, sweeping me away to blissful slumber island, located approximately 10 miles south of Bikini Atoll in Oceania. Sleep. And those banana chocolate muffins my mom buys for me. She's so good about that.